Holiday Etiquette Post #937

I must say this is the bestest time of the year. The sun relents just a tad in Phoenix, thus eradicating the cloying smell of diesel and perspiration here, everything becomes pumpkin-from lattes to deodorant, and long denim skirts look cute again. This is also the time of the year that becomes mating season, a time when couples start pawing at each other in public and shop Old Navy for the UniSweater (the one with the single neck and four armholes so that said couple can be together all the time). Maybe it's the cold. Maybe it's the rash of work Christmas parties. Or perhaps all the family festivity stuff causes people to get all sentimental. Whatever the reason, it's definitely a Noah's Ark World right now. So to help my fellow singletons out there, I thought I'd throw my own list of etiquette do's and don'ts "What Not to Say to Single People" 1) "Maybe somebody out there will drop dead, and their widower will get to see just what kind of gem has been right under their nose!" Yes, I've actually had this said to me more than once. What a pretty picture that paints. Me hunched over the memorial program vulture-like, preening with my sheer Bath and Body Works lip buffer waiting for Mr. Survivor to pass my seat at the wake. "Why hello there! I'm so glad I decided to troll the Holiness Obituary today of all days! I knew my timing would be good after that salmonella outbreak in the news! Plus I put on some Air Supply in the background. So romantic, and always gets me in the mood." 2) "I met this guy cleaning windshields at the car wash today and..." I don't mind be set up on blind dates. But single doesn't equal scrape-the-bottom-of-the-ashtray-desperate. You know the guy that has the Schlitz beer can pyramid on his coffee table? The one with the homemade tatoo depciting Ozzy Osbourne? The one who would've gotten his GED, but for the fact his mom's Buick broke down? Yeah...skanks, but no skanks. 3) "It's better to be single than wish you were!" Again, shared with me more than one time, and the majority of the time by people in a happy marriage. Ok, ok, I get it. I could be stuck in a loveless union, married to Flippy the three foot carnival weight guesser (see point #2). But I'm not. I'm stuck here watching you make out with your man in your Uni Sweater. Seriously people, that's like telling someone on a diet at least they didn't get food poisoning while you slurpily chomp on In 'N Out in front of them. 4) "Being married isn't everything!" No, and neither are a warm bed, good food, a roof over my head, and scented candles. But they sure make life a lot nicer, ya know? So if you a know a single who's going through a lonely patch right now, don't lecture them. Give them a hug, tell them you love them, and are praying for them. Happy ChristThanksgivingmas!