I have read many a blog describing the scourge of unsightly, nasty vermin descending upon an innocent household. I have empathized and shuddered passively from a distance, falsely cocooned in the misconception that the nuclear heat of Phoenix would discourage all but the occasional cockroach on steroids. I have rejoiced in the fact that the few accidental pets that have scampered accross my floor have been tiny and non-disgusting in nature. Sadly, I have taken my vermin-free life almost for granted.

And then the pigeons came. Actually, the pigeons were already here when I bought my condo. But they knew their place. Shyly and stupidly they congregated in their own area severly humbled by their pariah status, wearing their "kick me" signs with quiet acceptance. But somewhere along the line, they have taken a self esteem course and have boldly come out of their segratated area. I think they unionized last weekend when I drove up to San Bernardino, because since then, they have been chillaxin on my front stoop.

By this point, you are probably wondering why I whining about some stupid city birds. First of all let me explain that they poo by the truckload. And almsot Jehova's Witness-like, they are growing in numbers. It is very creepy to hear the flutter of their wings as I open the front door. Last night as I went out to do some laundry, a fat pigeon lethargically waddled away as I stepped out. He wasn't even scared of me! He plucked the Marlboro out of his beak and tossed it aside. And then he ripped up his "kick me" sign right in my face.

And they are dropping dead here and there. It is not like some little furry thing that is maybe a couple of inches long. Oh no. Imagine a giant gray bloated thing sprawled out with no place to hide right out there in the parking lot. I'm a sheltered person. A delicate flower. A candle in the wind. A fluffy Bambi ear. A city mouse through and through. I have bought meat wrapped in cellophane all of my life. This experience with the grisly side of nature close up just makes my stomach turn. Somehow, I will have to make it.

Especially since someone has scrawled "kick me" on my front door.